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What To Do When You Lose It

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A Heart For Home: What To Do When You Lose It

Saturday, November 13, 2010

What To Do When You Lose It

I wrapped the last pumpkin pie and placed it in the fridge next to two others awaiting their end tomorrow. I breathed a sign of relief and crossed "Make 3 pumpkin pies for church lunch tomorrow" off of my list.

Within a few minutes the kitchen was put back to some semblance of order and I moved to my next task, changing Eliya's wet diaper. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Her sweet voice and jabbers the perfect sound.

As I refastened her onesie, Jonathan entered, guilty eyes and face covered from the excursion into the fridge, covered with pumpkin pie.

I lost it.

I yelled. I spanked out of anger. I sent him to his room.

Then I cried.

No, not because I had lost my patience, I was too angry to leave room for any regret.

I cried because my precious pie was ruined, because what would people think if I brought 2 and 3/4 pumpkin pies instead of 3.

I'm so glad no one saw how I had acted...

...but wait...

...Someone did.

Then it hit--the shame, the sorrow, the tears of regret. Oh, God forgive me.

Where would I be if this is how God responds when I disobey? My heart quivers at the thought. Then my feet move, run towards my knee high offender. I open the door, his eyes meet mine, both sets full of tears, words caught in my throat. At last, "I'm sorry, buddy" stammers out.

Then he runs. Arms out wide, brought back and grateful.

I know how he feels.

I catch his mighty little man body and hold him close. I know this feeling, too, and I offer my thanks. My grateful heart whispers thanks to my father who always catches my grown up little girl body into his arms of love.

Then I tell you. Yes, you. So that you will know you are not alone, that you aren't the only one who loses it and yells at your kids and is selfish, and needs grace. So that you can feel forgiveness too, and hope, and love.

And I pray for you. Pray that you'll feel tender strong arms around your battered and bruised life. Arms that created you and guide you and, when you can't go another step will simply pick you up and carry you along the way.

May you feel strong gentle arms tonight.

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Anonymous Jenn @ Beautiful Calling said...

Oh, my eyes welled up with tears when I read this because I've been there. Far too often lately.
This pregnancy has been hard and my 2 and 3 year olds are so busy.
I've been impatient. Unsympathetic. At times, I have also spanked in anger. A warranted spanking yes, but without the right attitude and motive behind it on my part, useless.

I'm so glad our heavenly Father doesn't parent me like I've parented these last few weeks. I'm in need of those prayers you mentioned in your post.

Grace, mercy and forgiveness; Thank you, Lord!!!

November 13, 2010 at 9:35 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Thanks for this, Allyson. I find myself overwhelmed and too quick to anger so many times. So thankful for His grace.

November 13, 2010 at 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

All I can say is thank you so much for your willingness to share this with everyone. A great reminder that we are all sinners in need of God's grace each day and are continually being convicted of our sin, transformed and forgiven by Him. Thanks again.

November 13, 2010 at 10:51 PM  
Anonymous Pat Hines said...

Your sharing took courage. My oldest daughters are grown up, one with a family of her own, and the other has her angel wings. The thing I wish I could change are the moments that I lost it! But you know my daughter says that she doesn't even remember those times, she does remember the good times though.
Thank you Lord, for the forgiveness from our children!

November 14, 2010 at 11:12 AM  
Blogger Heather Irwin said...

This brought tears to my eyes!

November 14, 2010 at 1:05 PM  
Blogger Esther A said...

Thank you for sharing this. I can so relate.
Blessings to you and your family as well!

November 14, 2010 at 4:00 PM  
Blogger Jaedyn said...

This touched me, too - thank you so much for sharing!

November 14, 2010 at 4:02 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Your authenticity is beautiful and refreshing. I have been there, too.

Blessings, Tiffany

November 14, 2010 at 4:40 PM  
Blogger Debra from Bungalow said...

All mother's can relate to this post. Sometimes it's just hard...with all we have to do to get it right everytime. Bless you.

November 14, 2010 at 6:33 PM  

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