What To Do When You Lose It

I wrapped the last pumpkin pie and placed it in the fridge next to two others awaiting their end tomorrow. I breathed a sign of relief and crossed "Make 3 pumpkin pies for church lunch tomorrow" off of my list.

Within a few minutes the kitchen was put back to some semblance of order and I moved to my next task, changing Eliya's wet diaper. I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. Her sweet voice and jabbers the perfect sound.

As I refastened her onesie, Jonathan entered, guilty eyes and face covered from the excursion into the fridge, covered with pumpkin pie.

I lost it.

I yelled. I spanked out of anger. I sent him to his room.

Then I cried.

No, not because I had lost my patience, I was too angry to leave room for any regret.

I cried because my precious pie was ruined, because what would people think if I brought 2 and 3/4 pumpkin pies instead of 3.

I'm so glad no one saw how I had acted...

...but wait...

...Someone did.

Then it hit--the shame, the sorrow, the tears of regret. Oh, God forgive me.

Where would I be if this is how God responds when I disobey? My heart quivers at the thought. Then my feet move, run towards my knee high offender. I open the door, his eyes meet mine, both sets full of tears, words caught in my throat. At last, "I'm sorry, buddy" stammers out.

Then he runs. Arms out wide, brought back and grateful.

I know how he feels.

I catch his mighty little man body and hold him close. I know this feeling, too, and I offer my thanks. My grateful heart whispers thanks to my father who always catches my grown up little girl body into his arms of love.

Then I tell you. Yes, you. So that you will know you are not alone, that you aren't the only one who loses it and yells at your kids and is selfish, and needs grace. So that you can feel forgiveness too, and hope, and love.

And I pray for you. Pray that you'll feel tender strong arms around your battered and bruised life. Arms that created you and guide you and, when you can't go another step will simply pick you up and carry you along the way.

May you feel strong gentle arms tonight.

Blessings!

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